高考作文爆笑实录 三 关于司马迁的笑话

　　原创：葡萄枝

　　关于司马迁的笑话一箩筐，数不胜数……

　　※ 司马迁为了实现理想，忍受了无数次宫刑，终于……。

　　※司马迁在遭受宫刑之后，不得不忍受断腿之苦，……

　　※司马迁在著书中忍受着牢狱之苦，在牢狱过程中遭受了宫刑，但他以远大的愿景完成了巨著，流传千古。

　　※司马迁在被施行腐刑之后，不顾身体的腐烂，写出了千古绝唱《史记》……

　　※我看到司马迁在遭受宫刑之后的伟大成就和伟大愿景，不由感叹：三百六十行，行行出状元。

　　※一代男儿司马迁自愿接受宫刑，就是因为他心中的伟大愿景——那就是大唐还没有一部自己的史书，于是他忍辱负重为大唐完成了《史记》。

　　【快评：又一篇“无数次”宫刑！！令人发指啊！“不孝啊”！！“断腿”呢！今年最具明星相、也最倒霉的人就是司马迁，他可怜的身体快赶上壁虎了；他的粉丝最多（该叫铅丝吧？），众多的粉丝从不同角度理解同情爱戴追捧他，简直让人莫名惊诧，让人越来越迷惑：司马迁到底是谁？司马迁到底怎么你们啦？求求各位学子，饶了他吧！】

　　※ 因为，猪＝吃饭＋睡觉，

　　我＝吃饭＋睡觉＋学习；

　　所以，我＝猪＋学习

　　【快评：哈哈哈，笑疯了，笑傻了……看到这个类比和推理，谁能不疯？谁能不傻？】

　　※ 我是一枚小小的咖啡豆，我愿成为一粒更小的咖啡粉，我愿把甜甜的香味儿带给人间……

　　※ 时间就像一杯浓硫酸，可以腐蚀一切东西……

　　※ 朋友，以即死的心情面对你的愿景，它就会离你更近。

　　【快评：比喻很有创意吧？有温柔，有暴力，全了……】

　　※ 此刻我坐在考场上，我的愿景是希望监考老师能走到我身边对我说：考试时你可以有三种求助办法：1、打电话求助你的家人；2、求助现场同学；3、让老师帮你去掉一个错误答案。老师笑了，我也笑了。

　　【快评：狂笑！狂想！好一曲考场狂想曲，王小丫版的。】

　　※ 作文略……

　　※ 我真的觉得很无奈……

　　【快评：这是所见最短的两篇作文。一看就是自绝于高考的人，可悲可叹可惜可悯，可怜啊……无话可说。】

　　编者按：

　　原著:高考学生

　　总结积累：葡萄枝李老师

　　：max

原文作者所属博客:漠漠寒烟

一、我的作文，关于做媒

高级写作课老师布置了一个题目，a story about match-making, or fixing people up. 不管是已婚人士或者是未婚青年，大家应该都有过被人撮合或者替人穿针引线的经历。毕竟爱情是文学作品永恒的主题，所以班上同学对这个题目都很感兴趣，也写出了各自的精彩故事。想到我的读者们很可能也会关注这个题目，特开辟一“撮合系列”，分别刊载几篇我们的作文，希望大家喜欢。

　　王婆卖瓜，首先拿自己的开刀了。写作课班很小，总共就七个学生。每次作文，老师都会把大家的作文打印七份，大家一起来互相评点。开学至今我写了那么多作文，关于做媒的这篇还是头一次在课堂上得到那么多的回应，当然，这并不意味着我写的有多好或者文字多么俏皮，而是因为故事本身比较搞笑。

　　这是一个真实的故事，是关于报社那帮球友一起帮一个同事介绍对象的趣事，对象是一个清华高材女生。具体的经过，大家看文章好了，我只想说，结局是搞砸了。

　　文章全文及老师和同学的评论在这里：

　　J707 Advanced Writing, Column

　　By Gang Wu, April 4, 2006

　　Match making, a risky business

　　 Most people believe love is romantic. They believe love is predestined, and when and where and whom they are going to meet and join hands with for the rest of their life is decided by some divine force, not some “vulgar” hustle or wishful schemes.

　　 As a result, people often feel reluctant to accept the match-making proposal of a friend. The direct response, though not pronounced, might be, “Hey, you think I’m ugly enough and can not find a spouse by myself?”

　　 However, so far as I know, not everyone is lucky to see his Princess or her Mr Right on a timely fashion. You may be so handsome or pretty that you never would have worried about your attractiveness to an ideal partner. Yet perhaps due to your tight business schedule, or maybe you are inherently not a social animal, you are still waiting for your first romantic windfall in your late 20s or even after the age of 30.

　　 Here is where match-making comes into place. By carefully examining you and your potential love, your friends have the reason to persuade you to have a try – they know both parties and believe you two can somewhat make a perfect match, and they are usually trustworthy. After all, who could say that the arrangement of your first date is not God’s plan in itself?

　　 However, the fact is, not everybody can successfully fall in love with the candidate at first sight, and actually most of the arranged date ended up with only a couple more following contacts on themselves or no more at all. But that is the price you have to pay for the eventual success. Have you heard that a 35-year-old friend of mine once said he had at least 80 such blind dates before he at last found “the one” and got married?

　　 Not everyone is as persistent as him. That is why fixing people up is such a risky business. Sometimes your good wish to “help” a single friend might turn out to be something that will almost sacrifice your friendship. Here is an example, a fiasco of match making.

　　The man, Tao Zhang (alias), was a former colleague of mine at the China Daily. Aged 33 that year, he had remained single as long as we knew him, probably because he was already half-bald at such a relatively young age, or perhaps he preferred to be alone for a while. Concerned about his well being, I and a handful of colleagues tried to give him a boost.

　　One colleague knew a girl who was also single. The girl was a doctoral student at Tsinghua, one of the most prestigious universities in China. Frankly speaking, this girl was not on the pretty side, which was not a surprise for us considering the normal cases of girls in most science and technology universities. However, also like most girls at the Sci-tech universities, she was smart, intelligent and had a certain kind of charm, at least we believed so. The most important thing was that we thought she could make a good wife and mother - they could be a great pair, we decided.

　　The first step was successful. Both sides agreed to meet after our respective lobbying. The place was set: the Sichuan-food restaurant that we frequented near the newspaper compound. In order to make the meeting not so formal and awkward, all six colleagues involved in this match-making plot decided to go together, pretending it was just one regular dining out within the circle of close friends. Zhang was content to this plan, so was the girl.

　　But Zhang was not optimistic that he would like this girl. He told us a secret plan.

　　“If I don’t like the girl, I will order our favorite laozao dumplings as dessert,” he said, solemnly. “If I like her, I will order something else after the dinner, so that you guys will leave us alone.”

　　Sounded not so fair for the girl. But we agreed anyway. “Trust us,” we pat him on the shoulder. “A friend is a friend.”

　　For some reason, I didn’t make it to the dinner, though the rest of the team went.

　　What I earnestly heard afterwards was a shock. Zhang did not even wait the dinner to wind to its end. He ordered a dish of dumplings for every one at the table immediately after they took seats.

　　I could imagine how awkwardly this dinner had worn on afterwards. What’s worse about that was Zhang was so angry with us after the dinner was finished and the girl left.

　　“I know how much you guys have been looking down upon me,” he complained. “You think I’m really so ugly that I can only find such a match?”

　　Wordless. But one thing was clear. From then on, I told myself better not to bother with someone else’ personal business. Who knows if it will really pan out as you expect, or just to be a biting wound for all three parties?

　　当大家在课堂上各自埋头看你的文章，而随后你听到这里那里传来此起彼伏的噗嗤一笑的时候，内心的喜悦自然可想而知，吃蜂蜜的感觉莫过于此吧。

　　老师说，“我倒没想到点菜还可以做暗号的啊，倒是不错的一招。”

　　Jessica说，我喜欢你的secret plan。

　　Jean说那女孩真可怜，这男的也太不像话了，他都没有开口说话就下结论了，她根本就不了解那个女生。

　　Marti说，我发现你好些个小词小短语用得不错啊，比如plot，pan out，fiasco。Marti是个长得很胖但却聪明可爱的女生，以前我常请她帮忙给我看文章的语法错误，她对我的文章最熟悉了，她也最会鼓励我，常夸我写得比刚来美国的时候好多了。谢了。

　　老师对我提到清华无美女的说法有些异议，说这也太stereotype了吧。他说美国也有对漂亮女人的歧视，比如说blonde is stupid，所以建议我不要那么写。唉，他哪里知道在中国，关于理工大学女生的歌谣和笑话不知有多少，提起这一点，男生们都会露出会心的笑容，虽然这的确很可能太偏激。

　　这篇作文十分得了八分，比我以前最好的一次九分稍次。但分多分少不是最重要，最重要是it's something to talk about. 比自娱自乐有趣得多了。

二、中学生超级搞笑作文大拼盘(转)

　　走进校园，随便找个同学问一句：“你怕写作文吗？”估计回答“不怕”的屈指可数吧。为什么呢？做数学题，只要你懂了公式，就能算出来。可是，写作文就不一样，即使把语文课本背得滚瓜烂熟，写起作文来未必顺手。于是乎每到作文课放眼望去尽是抓耳搔腮和咬笔杆的，等下课后收上来的作文多是七拼八凑的，更有些在作文中闹出了大笑话。不信？一起来看看。

　　一、出糗作文之不可思议篇

　　今天天气真好，晴空万里，天上飘着朵朵白云。(偶可从没见过这样的情景^_^)我和同学小刚一起骑车去上学，突然他的车气门芯坏了，我就把我车上的拔下来给他装上，我俩继续一起高高兴兴地骑车往学校赶。(原来“我”的自行车可以不用气门芯啊^_^)

　　我们经过一家百货商店时，我不禁感慨道：啊！看来人民生活水平的确提高了，你看那位农民老大爷，左手一台电冰箱，右手一台电视机，一溜小跑回家去了。(比周星弛在《功夫》里还要厉害?!)都说一心不能二用，当我注视老大爷的时候，冷不丁岔道里冲出来一位老太太，说时迟那时快，“唧”的一声，我来了个紧急刹车，可还是把老太太撞飞了起来，手里提的满篮子鸡蛋亦随风飘舞。(好美的鸡蛋^_^)“啪”的一声，老太太被摔得粉身碎骨，可她站起来拔腿就跑，(这老太太定是仙风道骨^_^)她跑出老远才回过头对我说：“小伙子骑车慢点，我要不是急着赶回家给孙子喂奶，今天有你好看！”

　　心有余悸地赶到学校，正好踩着上课铃声进了教室。第一节课是英语课，按照惯例，由于听不懂，每次都是偷偷地睡到下课。又因为我坐在最后一排，我身后即是教室后门，每次下课，都是同桌把我叫醒出去沐浴阳光。今天很不幸的是，老师破天荒地叫我回答问题，酣睡中的我被同桌叫醒，以为下课了，遂起身拉开后门走出教室。三分钟后，我在教室外感觉环境异样，随即快步赶回教室，只见全体师生作惊恐状。老师强忍住没有发火，她重复了一遍问题，可我迷迷糊糊地啥也说不出，就那样傻站着大约过了一分钟零十秒，老师不耐烦地说：“你会不会呀？不会也吱一声啊！”于是我气沉丹田很大声地说：“吱。”老师当场晕倒。

　　文章就此打住吧，因为要求写600字就够了，我多写了近100字呢，美丽可爱的语文老师您是不是考虑给我多加几分呢，拜托拜托，谢谢！

　　二、出糗作文之错误修饰篇

　　1. 运动会100米短跑终于开始了，同学们像一只只脱缰的野狗奔了出去。

　　师评：运动场变赛狗场了吗？万狗奔腾，壮观！

　　2. 老师让学生模仿课文《小蝌蚪找妈妈》写一篇关于某某人的作文，有个

　　同学是这样模仿的：我的妈妈雪白的肚皮，鼓鼓的眼睛……

　　师评：有其母必有其子，想来你也是雪白的肚皮，鼓鼓的眼睛吧。

　　3. 在“崎岖坎坷”的人生“康庄大道”上，我们要坚定方向……

　　师评：此路可继世界八大奇迹兵马俑之后，登上第九大奇迹。

　　4. 解放军叔叔一个个匍匐前进，就像一条条绿色的青虫在地上蠕动。

　　师评：我堂堂威武之师到你那里咋成了“虫虫特攻队”了？

　　5. 运动场上彩旗飘，老少爷们儿扔飞镖。你一镖，我一镖。肠子肚子满

　　天飘！

　　师评：好恐怖，到底是运动场还是屠杀场啊！

　　6.看着天上阴沉沉的天……

　　师评：天外有天！

　　7.一位猎人正在森林中追捕一只野猪，肥硕、笨拙的野猪已经在森林里

　　舍生逃命，周旋了不知多少圈。

　　师评：舍生逃命？野猪到底是想死还是想活？

　　8.一个萧条的年轻人孤独地走在寒冷的大街上。

　　师评：可怜的孩子！

　　9.起初，我的心降到了珠穆朗玛峰最底峰……

　　师评：珠穆朗玛峰最底峰在哪里？东经？北纬？

　　10.有一天，老师在班里表扬了一位同学，说他成语“青翠欲滴”使用得好。

　　下一次交上去的作文，几乎每个人都用了“青翠欲滴”。“教室的一角有盆青翠欲滴的花”；“爸爸拿出青翠欲滴的酒杯”；“她穿上了一件绿色的裙子，真是青翠欲滴。”有个男生居然写：“这两天我感冒了，我的鼻涕青翠欲滴。”

　　评：我被你们气得青翠欲滴！

　　三、出糗作文之错别字篇

　　1.一个女生的日记这样写道：我家周围有很多人养狗，没有一点公德，今天早晨我刚从家里出来，就看见门口有一堆不知哪条野狗拉的屎，我大吃一斤。(海量！海量！应为“惊”。)

　　2.有一篇作文是写语文老师的，在介绍老师的外貌时，应该是“老师有一张瓜子脸”，结果同学写成“老师有一张爪子脸”。语文老师差点没疯掉。

　　3.早上起床整理“遗容”后，我们到学校集合，搭车前往垦丁毕业旅行。

　　师评：不知道你家是哪一家殡仪馆？老师一直都不知道……(应为“仪容”)

　　4.昨晚我和同学到快餐店吃晚餐，我们点了两个汉堡、“鸡块一粪”……

　　师评：好吃吗？鸡粪？(鸡块一份)

　　5.我的历史老师长发披肩，个子矮小，脾气不好，有一点点“胸”……

　　师评：历史老师要我转告你：“等下次上历史课，皮给我绷紧一点。”(凶)

　　6.我认为自己是个品学兼忧的好学生……

　　师评：你是该忧了──不及格。(优)

　　7.要下雨了，农民伯伯都在地里捡小表。(麦)

　　师评：哪里可捡？周日咱们组织一次义务劳动。(麦)

　　8.就在这时，一辆“中风”牌汽车，正好撞到了小强身上。

　　师评：“中风”牌汽车

　　9.食食物者为俊杰，适者生存。

　　师评：牙好，胃口就好，身体倍儿棒！挑肥拣瘦，不是养生之道。(识时务)

　　10.被流放的屈原，时时不忘报国，终因报国无门，而自吻于乌江。

　　师评：至今思项羽，不肯过江东！(自刎)

　　11.2060年早晨，甘肃九泉太空装置发射基地……

　　师评：九泉？是阎罗王建立的吧！(酒泉)